


Text Messages

by aobanana



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cybersex, M/M, Sexting, actual sexual encounters will occur in later chapters, and i might add more characters lol, im trash yooooooooo, oh and this is a university AU, some characters run a tumblr LOL, there ya go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-06-06 14:24:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6757720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aobanana/pseuds/aobanana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hijikata doesn't receive texts too often- with the exception of his two childhood friends Kondo and Sougo. The one time he does get a text after school is from some unknown number and it doesn't help that this person is a huge flirt and a pervert, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who the hell is this?

**Author's Note:**

> no one requested this.  
> i literally just thought about this plot one night and thought i /had/ to write about this. and ofc, it had to be about ginhiji - and a couple other ships. >.>  
> i hope to do weekly updates *crosses fingers* lol  
> enjoy~!
> 
> Edit:  
> i decided to change the title an hour after posting this... lmao  
> oh and happy birthday to hijikata lol

Hijikata Toushirou decided it would be best if he escaped the confines of the cramped study room on the fourth floor of his university’s library and head outside behind the building for a quick smoke. He recalled the weather being cool and dry (he was watching the news this morning as he ate a hearty bowl of rice and mayonnaise for breakfast), and so he refrained from bringing his thick black coat along with him and opted for slipping his cellphone and his pack of cigarettes into his pocket instead.

It’s a quarter past six and the sun was just beginning to set as the dark haired male pushed his way through the back doors. His steel blue eyes peered around the area, checking to see if he is alone before he sees a spot free from rotting food and cigarette butts, and sat down against the brick wall, leaning his head back with a sigh. He slips his hand in his left pant pocket, pulling out his lighter shaped like a mayonnaise bottle which was a birthday present he received from his older brother Tamegoro last year, although, his brother did mention on the card accompanying the gift that Hijikata should stop smoking...

And he has tried.

  _Twice._

But at least he tried to quit.

After he lit his cigarette and inhaled the sickly fumes, he shut his eyes and let his head rest comfortably against the brick wall, smoke encircling him as he slumps his shoulders.

He’d been in one of the group study rooms at the library for about an hour with Sougo and Kondo. Kondo had texted both of them earlier this morning to inform them of this impromptu get-together and Hijikata _couldn’t_ say no. Kondo could read him like a book now-a-days (or perhaps the chain smoker’s been transparent since the first day they’ve met) and everyone knows that Hijikata’s social life outside of school was – _is_ – pathetic. The only people he talks to at school are Sougo and Kondo, and sometimes he’d even text his brother in the middle of one of his three hour lectures.

Hijikata knows he’s pathetic when it comes to socializing and building relationships.

He’s not shy, but he’s also not the best at initiating a good conversation. Often times, he waits for someone to talk to him first since he’s more of a _listener_ than a _talker._ In comparison to Kondo though, who’s a huge chatterbox and likes to befriend anyone he lays his eyes on (especially a female student who goes by the name _Otae-san_ ), or even Sougo who only says sadistic one-liners or witty yet offensive comebacks in an incredibly bored tone, Hijikata is the more logical and reserve one of their friend group. But at the same time, he is the type to say what he wants or whatever’s on his mind if he absolutely feels the need to talk. That’s just the way it is. He can get a bit moody – _he knows_ – but he prefers to just completely ignore the person until he isn’t pissed off anymore.

Or maybe he’s just always been a stubborn son of a bitch.

This causes him to blow out another puff of smoke.

When the three had arrived at the study room, Kondo had shut the door quietly behind them, completely aware of the other students sitting at the individual desks on the other side of the door, and walked over to the table in the middle of the room, planting his hands down on the table, lowering his head as his shoulders began to shake and sobs echoed throughout the room.

Sougo had raised an eyebrow at that, meeting Hijikata’s eyes for a quick second who in return just shrugged his shoulders, and sat down on the chair across from Kondo, slipping his backpack off of his shoulder and onto the floor.

“So, why are we here again?”, the smaller boy asked, confusion still etched on his face as he continued to stare at Kondo.

The other male kept his head down, fingers scratching at the random dents and chips on the wood as he let out an ugly groan.

“Otae-san has a boyfriend… _Hiccup.._ ”, Kondo had replied as he brushed the snot dripping down face with the back of his hand.

Hijikata blinked.

“And…?” Hijikata caught Sougo’s smirk from the corner of his eye as he said this. He knew the punk was just being the damn sadist he is and just wanted to tease the hell out of the Gorilla.

Hijikata sat down on the other seat at the table, across from the black board, between Sougo and Kondo. He cleared his throat.

“How do you know, Kondo-san?”

“I-I saw her… _Hiccup…_ walking down the East wing hallway… w-with this _guy_.”

_Tch, he should seriously stop wiping his snot with his hand._

Hijikata reached into the pocket of his backpack and pulled out a small packet of tissue, sliding it over to the sobbing man.

“T-Thank you, Toshi.”

Hijikata nodded.

“Keep going Kondo-san,” Sougo leaned further back in his chair until he was able to rest his legs on the table, folding his arms behind his head. “Do we know who this _guy_ is?”

“How does he look like?”, Hijikata added.

Kondo had used two of Hijikata’s tissues before he finally decided to take a seat on a chair and bury his face in his hands as he continued to sob gross Gorilla tears.

The sounds he let out sounded animal-like as well.

Not that Hijikata would admit that out loud to his best friend of over five years. But then again, it’s been an ongoing joke among the three of them ever since they first met (and perhaps even their classmates) that Kondo has always reminded them of a gorilla.

“He’s tall – about the same height as Toshi, I think – and he’s got broad shoulders and a nice set of muscles – ”

“Sounds like a womanizer. You _should_ be devastated, Kondo-san.”

Hijikata punched Sougo’s arm which was supposed to be a sign to tell him to _knock the_ fuck _off_ which only caused Sougo to stick out his tongue at the darker haired male before he lost his balance on the back legs of his chair and fell backwards.

_That’s what you get, you sadistic punk._

“Continue,” Hijikata said, turning his body to face Kondo instead of making eye contact with Sougo who was indeed flipping him off just then.

“A-And he’s got messy, silver hair. Or maybe he permed his hair. Do guys perm their hair? I doubt his hair’s naturally that wavy...”

  _Messy, silver hair?_

How many guys at their school have _that_ hairstyle? First of all, _yes_ , the majority of the males at their university have messy, slept-in hair because who the _fuck_ has the time to style their hair every single day for an 8:00 A M class? Okay, so maybe a handful of guys do, but Hijikata personally doesn’t know anyone who does.

Hijikata shifted his gaze up to Kondo’s hair which was up in its signature spiky updo.

Okay, so maybe he _did_ know someone who fixes their hair every morning for the sake of looking “attractive” in front of their crush.

_But who would have silver hair…?_

“Oi, Kondo-san. I think I know who you’re talking about.” Sougo piped as he repositioned himself comfortably on his chair.

Kondo suddenly lifted his head up, his eyes were puffy and red, and his skin was all blotchy.

“Y-You do…?! _Sougo_! Who is it?!” Kondo had stood up abruptly, pushing his chair back with the back of his knees and quickly ran up to the shortest boy. He fell onto his knees, completely ignoring the impact he felt as he grabbed Sougo’s wrists in a tight and desperate grip. Hijikata felt as though he was staring at a Master and Slave by the sadistic look on Sougo’s face and the look of absolute desperation on his superior’s face.

But he was pretty used to that after all of these years.

“I was just _kidding_ , Kondo-san.” The light brown haired male had replied, the smirk seemed to widen on his face as he said this. “I just wanted to see you get on your knees. It’s a quite a sight.”

“Eh…? _EHHHHHH?!_ ”

And that was when Hijikata decided it was time for him to take a break from his two idiot friends.

Just when he was about to shut his eyes, he suddenly feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He lets out a groan as he fishes for his phone and stares at the screen. His eyebrow rises at the unfamiliar number flashing on the screen.

_Who the hell is this?_

He decides to ignore the call and taps on the red button, and then slips his device back into his pocket. He inhales one last time before he pulls the cigarette from his lips, and throws it onto the ground, grinding it with his heel.

The only people Hijikata would receive a call from was his brother, Kondo and Sougo.  So, of course he wasn’t just going to answer his phone. Especially not from some random, unknown person. He’s not stupid.

His phone vibrates again.

Although, this time when he looks at his phone, he receives a text message from the same person.

**_i didnt mean to call u the first time bc who still calls in this day and age amiright?_ **

Hijikata stares at his phone.

 _Who the_ fuck _is this?_

Another text message.

**_anyways i just wanted to know if ur free tonight bc i am. i know this is so last minute but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do~_ **

The phone nearly slips out of Hijikata’s hand as his hands begins to sweat profusely while he read the text message. He doesn’t know what the hell is going on, but he has a feeling that there is some hidden sexual implications from this person’s text message. But hold the _fuck_ on. Why is he getting messages from this…

 _A_ man’s _gotta do what a_ man’s _gotta do~_

_MAN….!_

_No, no, no._ This… this can’t be real, right? He’s dreaming right now. Hijikata’s not getting text messages from some random pervert and the whole thing with Kondo and Sougo never happened because this is all a _dream_. None of this is real. The cigarette he just smoked was just a figment of his imagination which means he still has a full pack of cigarettes in his pocket.

He slides his hand into his pant pocket and opens the pack of cigarettes. There’s one missing.

He slaps himself on the face. _Hard._

If this is a dream, then why won’t he _WAKE UP, DAMMIT!_

_Vrr, vrr._

Hijikata glares at his phone as he reads the new message.

**_it would be nice if u replied u kno. i mean i can take a no but i would prefer it if u say yes ;)._ **

Hijikata glares at the winking emoji at the end of this guy’s text.

He knows he’s got two options here: he could ignore this guy’s texts and hope he stops sending him suggestive messages, _or_ he could reply and tell him to _fuck off_. He unlocks his phone and stares at the three texts he received before he finally decides to move his thumbs and reply to this anonymous pervert.

**_I think you have the wrong number._ **

Seven words. Seven words that won’t reveal anything about himself. People say this all the time, right? This is what _should_ be done if some random stranger starts texting you. He hesitantly sends the text message.

It doesn’t take long before he receives a reply back.

**_eh do i? i was pretty damn sure i dialed and texted the right number. i checked twice._ **

Hijikata furrows his eyebrows.

**_Where did you find this number?_ **

Another quick reply.

**_on the internet_ **

The chain smoker finds himself sweating even more. And this time, he feels a chill run down his spine. He’s never posted his cellphone number online before so how did this guy find it?!

**_Where exactly did you find this number?_ **

Hijkata hits _Send_ with a harder force. It felt as though he could crack his phone’s screen.

**tumblr…**

Hijikata grits his teeth. He knows what Tumblr is; however, he doesn’t run a blog. He’s seen quite a bunch of his classmates scrolling through that website in the middle of a lecture, but he just doesn’t see the appeal of it. Often times he sees his female classmates _reblogging_ ( _is that the right term…?)_ pictures of runway models or cute, pastel shit and the occasional NSFW manga and anime, meanwhile the males would post... To be honest, Hijikata doesn’t have a clue what guys post on their tumblr since he hasn’t gotten the chance to sit near a Tumblr obsessed male before.

And that’s when it hits him.

He _does_ know someone – a _male -_ who runs a Tumblr.

That damn sadistic son of a bitch.

_SOUGO!_

 


	2. To send or not to send a text

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!  
> I decided to make things easier for you guys when it comes to reading the text messages.  
> "Unknown Number" is obviously the anonymous pervert who won't stop sending messages to Hijikata and "Me" is Hijikata.  
> Does that clear things up a bit?  
> I hope it does. lol

“ _I don’t know what you’re talking about, Hijikata-san. Eh, wait… Do you want me to call you Hijikata senpai instead? You are older than me…”_

“I don’t give a _fuck_ , Sougo. Just tell me what you posted on that damn blog of yours!”

Hijikata has to lower his voice since it is nearing midnight and he knows his elder brother is fast asleep. It’s been about two hours since he had returned to the collaborative room at the library only to see Sougo sleeping on the table and Kondo writing his crush’s name more than twenty times on the chalkboard. Hijikata technically could’ve called Sougo out and asked him what he posted on his Tumblr, but he didn’t feel like waking up the damn idiot with his yelling, and also because they were in the library in which being silent is a _law_.

So he chose to keep his composure and save it for when he’s at home.

Where he can cuss at him _over_ the phone.

_Speaking of phones…_

During his walk back home, his phone wouldn’t stop fucking vibrating in his pocket. Every couple minutes, he’d feel the _Vrr Vrr_ buzzing on his leg. At first he thought it’d be fine if he checked the messages - He wouldn’t reply, but he’d just read the texts. So he did just that: he pulled the phone out of his pocket and very quickly read the messages:

**_Unknown Number: soo im guessing ur a no-show? :(_ **

**_Unknown Number: unless ur just ignoring me :/_ **

**_Unknown Number: hellooo~? anybody there?_ **

**_Unknown Number: i mean its fine if ur ignoring me_ **

**_Unknown Number: srsly……… >.>_ **

**_Unknown Number: i can see ur online_ **

One text did catch his eye, however…

**_Unknown number: on ur tumblr i mean. u r ignoring me arent u? >.<_ **

And that’s when Hijikata picked up his pace and dashed to his apartment.

Now he’s sitting at his desk covered with stacks of neatly piled textbooks and notebooks, a clear jar holding his pencils and pens, and a lamp sitting at the very corner of his desk, shining a bright light onto his laptop. His hand is holding his cellphone against his right ear as he waits for Sougo’s reply. If it wasn’t for his brother sleeping across the hall from him, Hijikata would’ve cussed non-stop at the younger boy through his phone until the damn sadist gave him a clear answer.

“ _Why don’t you go on my blog yourself_?” Sougo asks, sounding annoyed. If anything, Hijikata should be the annoyed one here.

“Why can’t you just fucking tell me?!”

“ _I think it’s more fun if you see it for yourself_.” Hijikata can hear the other male snickering from the other end of the line.

Hijikata has to refrain from ripping his hair out or from punching his door. He’s done it before when he was younger – about five years ago - and it left a hole the size of his fist. He then had to explain the whole thing to his brother who calmly forgave him and went on to buy supplies at the home repair store down the street.

“Fine…” He finally replies after letting out a frustrated groan. “What’s your blog again?”

“ _Die Hijikata_ ”.

His fingers hover over his keyboard.

“What…”

“ _I’m just kidding_.”

“Right…” Hijikata briefly pulls his cellphone away from his ear.

“ _It’s ‘sleepmask_ ’,” Sougo replies.

“Sleep mask…” he repeats as he types the blog name onto his search bar. Hijikata could’ve have probably guessed that blog name himself, and honestly _diehijikata_ or even _hijikatahateblog_ could’ve been a legitimate blog ran by Sougo. He’d be lying if he said that he didn’t try searching for _diehijikata._ Although when he did search this, it redirected him to what seemed to be a page with a white, plain background and ‘ _are you surprised, hijikata?_ ’ written in red, bold font on the center of the page. Hijikata had quickly exited out of the page.

“ _Are you on my blog yet? I’m getting sleepy…_ ” Hijikata can hear Sougo yawning and the sound of what seems to be bed sheets rustling.

After trying to erase the memory of reading _that_ blog title, Hijikata quickly types in ‘ _sleepmask’_ and hits enter, which _thankfully_ redirects him to a real and not-so-creepy Tumblr page. Hijikata has to blink a couple times in silence before he finds the words to say to Sougo.

_Holy… fuck._

 In front of him is an array of fucking _BDSM_ pictures of both males and females alike, pictures of whips, chains, and collars, and even photos of people tied up in some sort of very intricate bondage technique that Hijikata has never seen before. There’s even pictures of men wearing a ball gag and a blindfold wrapped around their head, and for fucks sake _leather. So much fucking leather_. Hijikata has never seen so much leather in his entire _life._ He’s never seen so much BDSM in his entire life because to be frank, _he is not into that kinky shit._ Hijikata doesn’t know why he’s never took a wild guess on what Sougo posts on his blog before because _clearly_ he could only post _this_ kind of kinky shit – he is a fucking sadist after all. So why is he so fazed now? To be fair, who _wouldn’t_ be so fazed staring at their computer screen full of porn – BDSM porn, at that.

 _Well, other than those who are actually_ into _BDSM…_

Since Hijikata is a curious son of a bitch, he decides to further investigate Sougo’s blog, slowly scrolling down his page, slowly discovering new positions and sex toys. On the left hand side of his blog is what seems to be a short description of his friend’s blog that says _‘Sadists can’t take the heat. I wish people would be more considerate to me_ ’. Hijikata doesn’t know if he should roll his eyes at that or laugh out loud but at least he knows that Sougo is aware that he’s a sadistic fucker. Nothing seems to catch Hijikata’s eye so he returns back to Sougo’s posts, scrolling down his page and stopping every few seconds once he comes across a particularly enticing picture that doesn’t contain ball gags or whips. Until finally he finds an odd post. One that doesn’t contain any images.

A text post.

A text post that says “ _for the anon who asked for my number that one time…_ ”.

A text post that has _Hijikata’s_ cellphone number.

“WHAT THE _ACTUAL_ FUCK, SOUGO?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR _FUCKING_ MIND?!”

A burst of laughter is all Hijikata hears from the other end.

“DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, YOU PIECE OF ABSOLUTE SHIT?!” In the back of his mind, Hijikata hopes his brother is a heavy sleeper tonight.

“ _Why do you think I’m laughing, Hijikata-san?”_

“I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU-”

“ _Well believe it_.”

“I ACTUALLY WANT TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW. I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT.”

“ _Let’s be real here, Hijikata-san. When_ don’t _you want to kill me?_ ”

If it were possible to reach through his phone and smack the living hell out of Sougo’s face right now, he would. _Oh, he would._ He very much wants to wipe that fucking smirk off of his face. He can feel him smirking through the phone. _Fucking Sougo…._

“I JUST… _UGH-_ ”

“ _Now, now… You wouldn’t want to wake up your dear Onii-chan now wouldn’t you?”_ Sougo teases.

Maybe in the future there’ll be this new technology where you can physically reach into your phone and strangle the living daylight out of the person you’re talking to. Someday that’ll be a thing. Someday he wouldn’t have to deal with Sougo’s bullshit.

_Someday…_

Hijikata lets out a frustrated sigh as he leans forward and rests his forehead on the keyboard of his laptop.

“Just… delete the post, Sougo.”

“ _Why? Has someone texted you yet?”_

“…Yeah.”

“ _Oh?_ ” It seems Sougo’s interest has finally been peaked throughout their entire phone conversation. “ _What’d they say?_ ”

“I thought I made myself clear: There was this _guy_ who basically asked me if I was free tonight so we could _fuck._ You have no idea how I felt when I read his text messages-”

“ _I bet you were blushing._ ” He snickers. “ _Actually, I bet you’re blushing right now, aren’t you?”_

“I-I _wasn’t_ and I’m _not_ , you asshole.”

Hijikata lifts a hand up to his cheek and can feel warmth emitting from under his skin.

“ _Did he send any pics? Dick pics? Send them to me-”_

“NO! NO DICK PICS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

“Aw…”

“’Aw’?” Hijikata can’t believe his friend is upset about the fact that he didn’t receive and dick pics of some random person. Then again, he’s never really fully understood Sougo before…

“ _How boring… Well then, how did you respond?”_

“I asked him how he got my number and he said ‘Tumblr’ and that’s when I knew it _had_ to be _you,_ Sougo. You and your fucked up games.”

“ _Ah, come on, Hijikata-san. Relax…_ ”

“How the fuck am I supposed to _relax_? This guy could fucking stalk me. Who knows, maybe he’s listening in on our conversation.” Hijikata knows he’s being a little overdramatic right now but _honestly_ he doesn’t know what else to do right now in this situation.

“ _Can you chill the fuck down?”_

“I’ll ‘chill’ when you delete the post from your blog.”

“ _Fine, fine…”_ Hijikata can hear the sound of fingers running across a keyboard and the sound of a mousepad clicking before he can hear Sougo’s voice near the phone’s microphone again. “ _There. Happy?_ ”

The dark haired male refreshes the Tumblr page and quickly scrolls down to the same spot where the post was sitting before.

“Satisfied,” He responds, refreshing the page a few more times just to make sure Sougo wasn’t just trolling him.

“ _Right… Is there anything else you want from me before I go to sleep?”_

Hijikata thinks.

“Does Kondo-san know about your blog?”

“ _I don’t know. Probably._ ”

“Okay… well good night I guess.”

“ _Yeah,_ ” Sougo hangs up and the line cuts off.

Hijikata pulls his cellphone away from his ear and stares at his phone. He didn’t realize until now that he’s been on the phone talking to Sougo for more than thirty minutes, and if his memory serves him right, that’s the longest cellphone conversation he’s ever had with anyone besides his brother.

He starts to feel fatigue taking over his body and sits up, shutting off his laptop. He runs his fingers through his hair and makes a disgusted face as he feels an oily residue between his fingers. Hijikata realizes that he hasn’t taken a shower yet so he walks to his closet. As he reaches over to open his closet, he notices his phone sitting on his bed side table and decides to pick it up, unlocking it, and taps onto the ‘ _Messages’_ app. His thumb hovers over the stranger’s number until he finally chooses to reread the messages he recieved earlier today. Hijikata starts to feel guilty for not replying back. After all, this person never did end up sending a picture of his dick (which would have been so fucking disgusting _thank you very much_ ) nor did he say anything that offended him.

Well, other than the text that asked him if he was free tonight – which Hijikata assumes is this random guy asking him to fuck tonight.

And you know…

_Fuck, no._

After a couple minutes of his inner back and forth about whether to reply or not, he decides to follow his gut and answer this anonymous pervert. It’s the least he can do.

**_Me: Sorry for the late reply. I had already made plans tonight._ **

A little white lie never hurt anybody either.

Hijikata places his phone back down on the table and turns to face his closet. He picks up a loose grey t-shirt, black sweatpants and pair of underwear and quietly heads over to the bathroom.

~ ~ ~

Hijikata wakes up to the sound of his cellphone’s alarm. He groans as he rolls onto his right side reaching over to hit the snooze button on his phone. As he does this, he looks at the time on his phone which reads _7:15 AM_ and just under the clock is a small green icon notifying him that he has received messages overnight. Hijikata rubs his eyelids with his knuckles before he picks up his phone and rolls over to his back, returning to his original and more comfortable position. He swipes at his phone until he is redirected to his text messages. Maybe it’s because it’s too early in the morning to be worrying about how the anonymous pervert received his messages last night, but to be fucking honest, he just wanted to get this over with and read this guy’s texts so he can move on with his day already. Hijikata notices that all of the texts were sent at one in the morning.

**_Unknown Number: ah so now u reply._ **

**_Unknown Number: hm sounds to me like ur lying. u left me hanging u kno_ **

**_Unknown Number: but whatever... i handled it myself._ **

**_Unknown Number: if u know what i mean ;) #thanksfornothing_ **

Hijikata throws his phone at the edge of his bed and slams a pillow on his face and squeezes his eyes shut.

He’s blushing. He’s _fucking_ blushing.

_Fuck._

~ ~ ~

He doesn’t respond until a quarter after one in the afternoon. He’s sitting at the back of the classroom beside his classmate Saitou Shimaru. Hijikata had just started speaking to Saitou not too long ago – the first day of class, to be exact. When he met him, he couldn’t help but notice his vibrant orange afro and black surgical mask (that’s his signature look, Hijiakta noticed) and to be frank, he’s not hard to miss because of these prominent features. Hijikata enjoys sitting with him because he’s quiet ( _shy_ to be exact) and an intelligent fellow – which is a nice contrast to his two childhood friends who are loud and quite obnoxious and sometimes absolute idiots. He hasn’t heard him talk much, but when he does, Hijikata can’t help but feel lucky because he knows he’s one of the _very few_ people Saitou actually talks to. And when they do hold a conversation (mind you, it’s usually Hijikata who does the talking), he finds it utterly refreshing for someone to actually listen to him for once without judging him.

Like right now.

During their break, Hijikata had told Saitou about the events – the text messages he received from a stranger last night. Hijikata had even showed his friend the texts as he told his story, meanwhile Saitou nodded along as he listened to and read the messages. By the time Hijikata asked him for some advice, their professor had returned from the washroom and told them that break was over and therefore all students must put their cellphones away.

Hijikata slips his phone into the pocket of his jeans and as he does this, Saitou opens his notebook to a random page and starts scribbling something down. He rips a piece out of his notebook and slides it over to Hijikata, who casually takes the note – passing notes is a thing between them since neither of them wanted to get in trouble for talking in the middle of a lecture – and reads it.

_Why don’t you azk who he iz? Azk for hiz name._

Hijikata finds it funny how Saitou replaces all of this _S’s_  with _Z’s._ Saitou had told him that ever since he was younger, he thinks that there should be more words that contain the letter _Z_ since he feels as though it is such an underappreciated letter. Also, Hijikata remembers the time when Saitou had told him that _26_ is his favourite number because _Z_ is the twenty-sixth letter in the English alphabet. Hijikata then made a joke saying how he likes the letter _Z_ so much because he falls asleep in every class.

And he also thinks his writing is really neat – almost like a girl’s handwriting. He should mention that to him someday.

Instead of writing back to him, Hijikata nods his head (Saitou’s facing his direction anyway, waiting for a reply) and carefully reaches down for his phone, pulling it out of his pocket and unlocksit. In the meantime, Saitou’s gaze moves back and forth between their professor’s watchful eyes and Hijikata’s lap; meanwhile, the dark haired male begins to type a response.

**_Me: Oh okay. What’s your name, anyway?_ **

Thank god Hijikata checked to see whether or not his phone is on silent because he receives a text in less than a minute later and he would’ve been busted if his phone went off in class.

**_Unknown Number: oh it was more than okay, trust me ;) and y do u wanna kno? what if ur some creepy stalker :o_ **

Hijikata rolls his eyes.

**_Me: If anything, you’re the creepy one here. You were the one who texted and CALLED me first. I have no clue who you are and I demand to know this instant. You don’t want to get reported to the police, do you?_ **

**_Unknown Number: and what if i am a creepy stalker? what would u do to me? ;)_ **

**_Me: Could you please stop sending winking emoticons? It’s creepy and gross._ **

**_Unknown Number: ;) ;) ;)_ **

Hijikata groans quietly before tapping Saitou’s shoulder and shows him the texts. Saitou responds with a quiet giggle under his mask.

Before he could respond, he receives another message.

**_Unknown Number: tbh i stalk ur blog every day so i guess i am a stalker…??? >.> #whoops_ **

Hijikata forgot that this person doesn’t know that he’s _not_ talking to Tumblr blogger “ _sleepmask”_ (aka Sougo) and he thinks about whether or not he’s catfishing him right now…

**_Me: Right… So, your name is…?_ **

**_Unknown Number: impatient, much? geez…just bc u gave me attitude, im not gonna give u my name._ **

**_Me: You’re an ass._ **

**_Unknown Number: oh? so u cuss? its weird bc u cuss all the time on ur blog but u text like a fucking novelist. #pardonmyfrench_ **

**_Me: I honestly don’t give a fuck._ **

**_Unknown Number: oooh so feisty. look @ u dropping the f-bomb. and i guess u can just call me “parfait”. Its my fav food. Now tell me ur “name” (aka ur fav food). There better be an emoji for it btw_ **

He knows he’ll get made fun of it, but he sends it anyways.

**_Me: Mayonnaise._ **

It takes a bit longer than usual for Hijikata to receive a reply back from the other guy and he feels as though he’s made a mistake. But no. He just really loves mayonnaise. He wouldn’t lie about his favourite food even if some stranger asks him.

**_Unknown Number: oh so u werent joking? i was waiting for u to send me a “jk” LOL but if u like mayonnaise that much then ok._ **

**_Unknown Number: btw theres no fucking mayo emoji so im just gonna choose the middle finger emoji bc fuck u for liking mayo. Mayo is so gross_ **

It’s funny that “ _parfait”_ says this bc after Hijikata finishes typing in “ _Parfait”_ with an ice cream cone emoji on the right side, his thumb is literally hovering over the middle finger emoji (an emoji he sends to Sougo too often) and taps it, saving the stranger’s name onto his phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help, im so uncreative with sougo's tumblr URL >.>


	3. Is it always a good idea to take advice from your friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *posts this two days later than usual*

A day has passed since Hijikata entered the anonymous person’s name into his phone. _Parfait_ is his name – at least for now it is. Is it irritating that he still doesn’t know exactly who this person is? Well, of course. But maybe it’s better this way. After all, Parfait doesn’t know that Hijikata doesn’t actually run the Tumblr blog _sleepmask._

Someday he’s going to find out. And he’ll probably be pissed at Hijikata for “catfishing” him.

But hold the fuck on.

This whole thing is _Sougo’s_  fault.

Hijikata didn’t have anything to do with this. _At all._

“Oi, Toshi. Are you there? Your phone’s been going off all night. Are you ever gonna pick it up?”

Hijikata finds himself staring at his reflection in his coffee – plain and black, of course. His train of thoughts was simply cut off by the sound of Kondo’s voice and the hand nudging his right shoulder. He raises his head up, shaking his fringe out of his eyes, as he meets Kondo’s worrying gaze. Hijikata can see Sougo’s body lying behind Kondo. _Probably sleeping,_ he thinks as he places his mug on the floor beside his notebook and pencil case.

The three of them are in Kondo’s room in attempt to study for their test tomorrow. They’ve been putting off this group study session for about a week now until Hijikata reminded his two friends about their test during lunch in which Sougo and Kondo responded with a shocked look on their face and agreed to heading over to Kondo’s house afterschool.

“He’s ignoring them,” Sougo replies groggily from behind the Gorilla as he stretches his arms above his head and pushes his sleep mask up his face until one red eye peeks through, giving Hijikata a wink.

 _So he’s_ not _asleep… The bastard._

Hijikata shifts his body and lifts his knees up as he feels his face flush. But before he can defend himself, he sees Kondo knitting his eyebrows together.

“Oh? Are you _blushing,_ Toshi?” Kondo quickly inches closer to Hijikata and pokes at his cheeks. “Don’t tell me you’re talking to a _girl_ …?”

“I-I’m _not,_ Kondo-san…! It’s no one, so don’t worry about it.” He responds, not meeting the Gorilla’s eyes as he swats his hands away. “And stop poking my cheeks.”

Kondo puffs out his cheeks as he pulls his hands away from Hijikata’s face and cocks his head to the side as he notices the pink flush on his friend’s face.

“If it’s not a girl… Then… A _guy_ –”

“ _K-Kondo-san…!”_

_Panic. Panic. Panic._

“It’s obviously a guy, Kondo-san.” Sougo chirps, still lying on his back with his left leg crossed on top of his right leg.

“Eh? Really?” The Gorilla squints his eyes as he stares at Hijikata like some sort of organism under a microscope. Hijikata shifts uncomfortably under his gaze and wants to dig himself a grave right here, right now. “I mean, I kind of had a feeling you were _gay_ since forever ago…”

Hijikata wants to shoot himself in the face.

Before he could say anything, _absolutely anything at all to change the damn topic,_ Sougo – the fucking face of _sadism_ – chuckles and pushes himself up to a sitting position, a look on his fucking face as if his interest has finally been piqued tonight. Their eyes meet and _oh_ does Hijikata want to run over to him and choke him until his petty fucking face finally shuts up once and for all.

But of course, he’s too damn _late_.

“Hijikata _is_ gay, Kondo-san. He’s just the type to deny it because he’s a stubborn asshole. With a _tight asshole_ , might I add. Y’know, since he’s a _virgin_ – ”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, SOUGO!”

Kondo raises an eyebrow.

“You’re a virgin?” He asks, pointing at Hijikata.

Hijikata bites the inside of his cheeks.

“Can we not talk about this right now? We should be _studying_. Remember our test tomorrow?” Hijikata frantically digs through his backpack for… honestly, he doesn’t know what he’s searching for but all he knows is that they need to get back to work and stop talking about his ‘sex life’.

“We’ve been studying all night. I think we’re fine. We’ll pass. And besides, I feel as though we should talk about more… serious things.”

_‘Serious’, my ass._

“Come to think of it,” Kondo starts, shoving his notes to the side as he makes room for himself on the floor. “When was the last time we’ve ever just sat around talking about our sex lives?”

Hijikata suddenly finds it hard to breathe.

_Huh…? No, no, no… This can’t be happening._

“I don’t know… A couple months ago? Last year?” Sougo replies as he pulls out a pack of gum from his bag. “Well, you and I talk about sex almost every day but we haven’t had a full on discussion about it with Hijikata-san in a while.”

“Right. So, how about it? We’ll go in a circle and _talk_. Sounds good?”

Sougo gives a thumbs up as he blows a pink bubble.

If Hijikata had a dart or a knife in his pocket right now, he’d throw it across the room just to burst Sougo’s damn bubble.

“Toshi?”

“E-Eh… Um…” His steel blue eyes look everywhere but at Kondo or Sougo’s face. He can feel a drop of sweat making its way down his face. “I don’t…”

_Vrr. Vrr. Vrr._

Hijikata jumps at the sound and turns his head to the ground and spots his phone’s screen light up.

 _Oh god no. Of all the times it had to be now._ Hijikata’s eyes shift back and forth from his phone to Sougo’s face.

“Hijikata starts,” The shortest boy states, a huge smirk etched on his face. “Grab his phone, Kondo-san.”

“Yes sir.” Kondo reaches over and quickly grabs the other dark haired male’s phone off of the floor. As he does this, Hijikata tackles him, body slamming Kondo onto the ground, and yells at him to give his cellphone back. Sougo’s laughter can be heard in the background along with his annoying chewing. Kondo simply laughs at his friend’s reaction and shoves him off of his chest, meanwhile his hand is still tightly gripping onto his cellphone, and slides backwards until he is positioned right beside Sougo. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about this, Toshi. C’mon, we’ve known each other for a long time. We deserve to know who’s been texting you. Am I right, Sougo?”

“Mhm,” Sougo replies casually and blows another bubble.

“Right. So, let’s figure out who this… _secret lover_ is.”

Anger, fear, and embarrassment are what Hijikata feels right now. If it were a different situation in which it was Sougo who stole his cellphone, he’d have no problem punching him in the stomach and grabbing his phone back. That was acceptable. However, it was _Kondo_ who swiped his phone off of the ground and therefore he couldn’t swing his fist at him because he was older than him and Hijikata had more respect for him than Sougo. It would have been totally _unacceptable_ for Hijikata to strike him. And just plain wrong.

As for the fear aspect… Hijikata’s scared of how Kondo will react to the text messages. Scold him? Maybe. After all, he is talking to a stranger – some guy who wanted to fuck. Or maybe he’ll just be angry about the fact that he wasn’t told about this beforehand. Before Sougo that is. But in Hijikata’s defense, Sougo usually finds out about his secrets before Kondo does because that’s just the kind of guy he is.

“How spicy, Hijikata.”

_Huh?_

Hijikata stares at his two friends sitting across from him. They’re huddled close together with Kondo holding his cellphone in between them to allow equal view of his text messages. Hijikata grits his teeth as he inches closer to them.

“What does it say?”

“Who’s ‘Parfait’?” Kondo asks, swiping his finger up as he reads through the older text messages.

“His boyfriend,” Sougo replies, crossing his legs.

“Boyfriend, eh?”

“Shut up, asshole,” Hijikata kicks his shorter friend’s knee. Sougo winces slightly and kicks back even harder, and sticks out his tongue. Hijikata rolls his eyes. “He’s not my _boyfriend_. I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m not in a relationship. Can I have my phone back, Kondo-san?”

“How’d they meet?” The Gorilla turns his head to the sandy brown haired male, completely ignoring his other friend’s request.

“Internet.” This time, Sougo dodges Hijikata’s kick.

“Can I have my phone back, _please_?” Hijikata repeats. He’s getting awfully tired of being ignored. To be honest, he should be used to it by now but it doesn’t hurt to try one more time.

“Tindr?” The eldest of the three asks while scratching his chin in contemplation.

“Grindr.” Sougo snickers.

“ _GRINDR?!”_ Kondo nearly drops the cellphone.

_GRINDR…?! WHAT?!_

“FUCK! _OKAY_!” Hijikata stands up and stomps over to Kondo. He snatches the phone out of his hand and stuffs it in his pocket. As he does this, Kondo lets out a surprised gasp, meanwhile Sougo smirks, still chewing on that damn piece of gum. Hijikata’s surprised he didn’t rip a hole through his jean pocket because he jammed his cellphone in his pocket with such a force all thanks to his pent up anger and frustration towards his so-called ‘friends’. As he stands there in front of Kondo and Sougo, he comes up with a solution: if he wants to stop getting humiliated by that sadistic son of a bitch, he’s going to have to explain the whole thing to Kondo himself.

And so that’s what he did.

He did so with a bit of a blush on his face, although he turned his head to the side whenever that happened. But of course, his attempt to hide his embarrassed face worked to no avail since Kondo noticed his flushed cheeks right away and wouldn’t stop teasing him about it throughout Hijikata’s story.

“Aw, Toshi~!” Kondo sing-songs as he leans his head on Sougo’s shoulder. “That’s so cute how you have an online relationship. I can’t help but be a bit jealous of you."

“Again, he’s _not_ my boyfriend and I’m _single._ I’m not interested in having a relationship right now.” Hijikata clarifies.

“So…” Sougo starts. Hijikata watches as he blows another bubble. “If you’re not interested in him, then why do you keep talking to him? You don’t need to reply to his texts, y’know.”

Kondo lifts his head off of the youngest boy’s shoulder and nods his head slowly.

“Sougo’s right. I think you _are_ interested in him and that’s perfectly okay with us. I mean, if this is your way of _coming out_ to us, then just know that we accept you for who you are and we just want you to be happy – ”

_Eh?!_

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

Hijikata wants to scream. Hijikata wishes he chose better friends. Hijikata wishes they could both just shut the hell up and go back to studying.

Sougo groans.

“Just answer the damn question, Hijikata-san. Do you want to _fuck_ ‘Parfait’? Yes or no?”

 “WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT – ”

“DO YOU WANT TO FUCK HIM OR NOT? ARE YOU DEAF?”

“ARE YOU STUPID?! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT?!”

“LOOK AT YOUR TEXTS, DUMBASS!”

“What…?” Hijikata blinks at him.

He reaches into his pocket, pulling out his cellphone. His fingers are shaky as he taps onto the _Messages_ app and taps on _Parfait’s_ name.

**_Parfait [9:38 AM]: good morning~ at least I hope its morning over there. im assuming we live near each other bc i remember u answering one of my asks a couple months ago (it was an anon ask ofc) when i asked u where ur from and u said “kabukicho”… and i live in kabukicho…._ **

**_Parfait [9:39 AM]: i swear im not a stalker. cross my heart and hope to die_**

**_Parfait [9:40 AM]: u kno what, i regret sending that mssg. just pretend i never sent that. erase that from ur memory_**

**_Parfait [9:40 AM]: actually u can keep the good morning part. i want u to have a good morning._ **

**_Parfait [7:13 PM]: what, so i dont get a reply back? no 'good morning'? not even a hello? even adele beat you to it. and yes i listen to adele. fight me._**

**_Parfait [7:14 PM]: i mean it wasnt like i was sitting waiting for u to reply all day or anything but it would be nice of u to reply. u don’t have to be such an ass._ **

**_Parfait [7:16 PM]: speaking of ass… that gif set u reblogged earlier today… of that guy with the ball gag… getting fucked raw… made me get a boner in class. >.> im not even fucking with u. i had to run to the washroom during break. #sorrynotsorry _ **

**_Parfait [7:17 PM]: but when i returned from the washroom, two of my friends (Sugi and Sak) completely ignored me, meanwhile my friend Zura immediately caught on to why i ran to the washroom… yeah… i guess i learned my lesson: don’t scroll thru ur blog during class time._ **

_Don’t blush. Don’t blush- STOP BLUSHING…!_

Hijikata couldn’t stop reading the last two text messages he received and it’s making him feel all weird and embarrassed more than ever before.

“Your boyfriend sounds kinky as fuck,” Sougo teases, looking off to the side of the room as he repositions his legs on the floor.

“Mm. That reminds me, Toshi.” Kondo adds. “I didn’t know you had a Tumblr. I mean, I knew about Sougo’s Tumblr, but you? You post _porn_? _Gay porn?_ To be quite honest, I’m impressed you kept this as a secret from me.”

“So that’s _two_ things he kept as a secret from us: his sexuality and his NSFW Tumblr account. Is there anything else you’re hiding from us, Hijikata-san?”

Hijikata glares at Sougo and makes a fist with the hand that’s not holding onto his phone.

“YOU’RE SUCH A- I told you already. ‘Parfait’ thinks I’m running Sougo’s BDSM blog, therefore he thinks _I’m_ Sougo. In other words, he’s interested in _Sougo_. Not me. Are we on the same page now? I’m fucking tired of repeating myself…”

 _And whatever happened to going in a_ circle? _Why am I the only one talking about my ‘sex life’? If this even counts as my sex life…_

Hijikata slides down onto the floor and sits by his backpack again, stretching out his feet in front of him as he leans his back against Kondo’s bed. He glances over to the digital clock sitting on the bedside table which read _8:02 PM_. He’s tired, both physically and mentally. He knows they should finish looking over their notes before heading back to their respective homes but he’s fucking exhausted. He’s done enough arguing and gone through enough embarrassment to last a lifetime in just _one night_. Right now Hijikata just wants to change into his pajamas and jump onto his bed and forget this whole thing happened. But of course he is unable to do so because he’s friends with _Kondo_ and _Sougo_.

And you know… Those text messages from _him._

“Stop hesitating and reply to him.”

“Huh?” Hijikata turns his head to the side and feels Kondo patting his shoulder with a… _uh…_ concerned motherly look on his face. “Yeah… okay…”

_Might as well…_

**_Me [8:03 PM]: Good evening. Happy, now? Anyways, your story was… an interesting read. A great contrast to what I’m going through right now._ **

**_Parfait [8:04 PM]: there u are. what is with u and ur delayed responses? i thought u died or something. srsly… -_-_ **

**_Parfait [8:04 PM]: but whatever. what r u up to right now anyway? i see ur not posting on ur tumblr tonight. any reason as to why?_ **

“Ooh~ Looks like he was worrying about you. How cute.”

Hijikata rolls his eyes at Kondo’s comment. But who was he kidding? It _was_ cute…

**_Me [8:05 PM]: I’m studying at a friend’s house. There’s three of us. We have a test tomorrow and we’re not even half way done reading our notes. It’s safe to say we’re utterly fucked._ **

**_Parfait [8:07 PM]: really? for some reason i thought you’d be the type to leave studying until the last second LMAO i mean, thats who i am, in case u were wondering. i usually wing tests and so far ive only failed two tests so i guess its fine. but it seems like ur an overachiever…? who wouldve known? LOL_ **

_I, Hijikata Toushirou, am an overachiever and I never procrastinate. Sougo on the other hand…_

**_Me [8:08 PM]: Well it’s not like you know me in real life so it’s no surprise you didn’t know that about me. But, what about you? What are you doing?_ **

**_Parfait [8:09 PM]: skyping with friends, scrolling thru tumblr, eating strawberries (bc im trying to eat healthy for once)… texting u... ;)_ **

**_Parfait [8:09 PM]: btw u should totally add me on skype. i'd love to see ur face ;)_ **

A weird sensation shot through Hijikata’s entire body.

_I’d love to see ur face ;)_

_That’s…_

Hijikata hears Sougo snickering in the background.

“What the hell is up with your face? What’d he send? Did he finally send a dick pic?” Sougo asks, with his phone in hand. Hijikata thinks he’s reblogging kinky shit onto his blog again.

Kondo leans closer to the other male in order to read the text messages and raises an eyebrow.

“’Parfait’ asked Hijikata to add him on Skype.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. He said, ‘I’d love to see your face’ and then a winky emoticon.”

“ _Oh?_ ” The shortest boy lifts his head up from his phone and smirks. “What a fucking flirt.”

 _Flirt?_ Hijikata rereads the messages. _For once, Sougo’s right._

 _“_ What are you waiting for? Add him.”

Hijikata bites his lip as he stares back down at his phone.

“You think so…?” Hijikata still can’t believe he’s asking Sougo for advice.

“Mhm. I mean, you already have each other’s numbers. He could send you nudes anytime, but on Skype he can take a video of himself jacking off _live_ and I don’t know about you, but that’s fucking hot. You could hear him moaning and you can tell him to pump faster or slower. Tease him…”

All Hijikata and Kondo could do was stare at Sougo with wide eyes and a gaped mouth as he talked.

After what felt like ten minutes, Kondo clears his throat, breaking the awkward silence.

“It… It sounds like you’ve experienced that before…”

“Yeah, so…?”

“No comment.”

Silence.

“As I was saying,” Sougo runs a hand through his hair. “Just go for it.”

As much as it hurts him to say this but… Sougo’s right. He already has his number, so why the hell not. It’s just Skype. It’s just another way to talk to him. Another medium of communication. And he didn’t have to do a video call and show his face if he didn’t want to. Not yet, at least.

**Me [8:16 PM]: My Skype name is Mayora13. Don’t ask. You should already know why I chose that username.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh I'm not sure what Skype username I should use for Gintoki... any ideas? lol


	4. Eating ramen is a great way to make friends

Hijikata walks out of his classroom feeling both relieved and exhausted. He had just finished writing his test in a room full of other stressed out students – two of which are his very own friends – and he is glad he got that over and done with.

The trio had ended up sleeping over at Kondo’s place for the night. Hijikata had insisted that he was fine with walking home late at night and that there was nothing to worry about, however, Kondo stood in front of his door with his arms and legs stretched out as an attempt to block Hijikata’s hand from reaching the doorknob. Kondo had told him that he’d kill himself if something were to happen to him while walking home and Hijikata thought that the other male was about to cry on the spot just thinking about the possibility of it _actually_  happening. But he was used to having Kondo worrying about him since he gets the same treatment from his older brother at home. In the end, both Hijikata and Sougo agreed to staying over for the night with the condition that they finish reading the rest of their notes _without_ any breaks or distractions.

Their study session started out according to plan: Hijikata had read the key terms, practice questions, and acronyms out loud from the textbook, and Kondo or Sougo would slam their hand on the hardwood floors as a makeshift buzzer and answer the question to the best of their abilities.

And this would repeat until each of them took on different roles.

On their own, they struggled to answer the questions but when they worked together, they seemed to be okay. However, since they’re all pretty competitive in nature, this study session soon turned into a hard core competition strictly between Hijikata and Sougo. Hijikata had complained countless of times that Sougo didn’t deserve to get a point because although he was the first to say the correct answer out loud, he didn’t slam his hand on the ground first which means the point goes to Hijikata.

Sougo had flipped Hijikata the bird every time he complained to Kondo about that.

As their little game went on, they heard three loud knocks at the door. Kondo had stood up and made his way to the door and was greeted with someone with long dark hair and pale skin, sporting a greyish blue sweater and black pajama shorts. From what Hijikata could tell, he wasn’t sure if the person standing at the door was a male or a female since they had quite a slim figure and the length of their hair was throwing him off. Hijikata then heard Kondo apologizing and quickly shut the door and returned back into his room with a look of embarrassment on his face. He had told them that the person at the door was named Katsura – one of his neighbours who lives downstairs – and he just wanted them to quiet down a bit since they were getting a bit rowdy and it was already past midnight. Hijikata nodded his head at that, but Sougo had simply rolled his eyes and said something along the lines of “I think I’ve seen that guy on campus before. He usually has his hair up in a ponytail though”.

The trio continued their group study session, except this time, they decided to slam their hands on a pillow rather than on the floor. Mind you, it did get a bit noisy at times whenever Kondo had to judge, and Sougo and Hijikata took the role as the ‘contestants’.

They ended up sleeping on Kondo’s floor with sheets of paper and textbooks surrounding them before they heard Hijikata’s alarm go off on his phone and rushed out of the door.

While he was writing his test, Hijikata had blanked out for some of the questions which was so unlike him. But then again, that’s what he gets for leaving studying at the last second and only running on four hours of sleep on an empty stomach.

He’s sure he passed but he’d like it even better if he aced the test.

Hijikata decides to pick up a blueberry muffin and a medium sized cup of coffee at the nearest coffee shop before heading over to the library. Both Kondo and Sougo have a class right after their test but Hijikata’s next class doesn’t start until three in the afternoon. He’s just going to have to ask them how they thought about the test later tonight on Skype.

_Skype…. Parfait… Parfait’s Skype…_

Suddenly he feels a bit uneasy and thinks that he should probably stay outside and breathe in some of the fresh air. He takes a different route – one going in the _opposite_ direction to the library – and walks towards the bench he usually sits at located behind the Engineering Building which is also pretty isolated from the busy walkways and streets, and is the perfect spot for a quick smoke. He lets out a sigh of relief when he turned the corner and found no one to be seen. It’s always nice to have this place to himself because that means that he can smoke as much as he wants without anyone judging him, and he can sprawl out his entire body on the bench and take a quick nap under the shade from the building.

Sometimes, Hijikata likes to think that he should thank whoever came up with the concept of having a bench situated in this particular spot because other than the library where it’s quiet (and Hijikata _loves_ quiet places), this is Hijikata’s favourite spot to study or relax at school since the Engineering Building provides enough shade to last an entire afternoon under the intense heat from the sun.

And it also helps that he can use his laptop outside since the school’s WiFi stretches all around campus and not just inside the university’s buildings.

He sets his coffee and muffin on the bench and sits down, careful to not knock over his drink. After he finds a comfortable sitting position, Hijikata pulls out his laptop and places it onto his lap. Before he presses the power button, he stares at his reflection on the screen and thinks _What a mess…_ and uses his fingers to fix any strands on the top of his head and on his bangs that are standing up at weird angles. As he waits for his laptop to load, he takes a bite from his muffin. He could honestly stuff his face with this muffin right now since he’s been starving all day, but he refrains from doing so since he wants to savour the taste and also because he didn’t bring anything else to eat at school.

Before he could take another bite, he hears his phone vibrating in his bag, and so he carefully reaches over – well aware of the expensive laptop sitting on his lap – and pulls out his device. He notices that he’s received two texts from _Parfait_ last night and a much more recent text from Saitou. Hijikata stares at _Parfait’s_ text notification for a good couple of seconds before deciding that he’ll open it _after_ he replies to Saitou’s message because replying to his _actual friend’s_ text is much more important than talking to a fucking horny stranger.

**_Saitou Shimaru [11:43 AM]: Did you finizh your tezt?_ **

**_Me [11:43 AM]: Yeah. I finished a couple minutes ago. I’m sitting near the Eng Building right now._ **

**_Saitou Shimaru [11:44 AM]: On your favourite bench, I azzume?_ **

**_Me [11:45 AM]: Haha, yeah. I’m eating a muffin and drinking coffee, too. No sugar, of course._ **

**_Saitou Shimaru [11:46 AM]: I ztill don’t underztand how you can drink your coffee black. I find it zo mindboggling how you can handle the bitter tazte._ **

**_Saitou Shimaru [11:46 PM]: Anywayz, I just wanted to azk if you wanted to eat lunch together at thiz ramen place. I found a coupon on the ground yezterday and today iz the lazt day of itz validity, but the coupon only workz if I eat with zomeone elze and I don’t want to wazte it._ **

_Wait…_

Hijikata has to reread his friend’s reply a couple times in order to let it sink in. A part of him thinks that it sounds like he’s getting asked out on a date, but on the other hand, he thinks that this is just a _friendly_ gesture to eat out together. He’s eaten out with Saitou on campus three times before; therefore, this time should be no different… _Right_? The only difference now is that Saitou has never texted him to eat lunch with him so… Why is he feeling so weird about it? It’s just a _friendly_ get-together. It _has_ to be a friendly get-together. There’s no way this is Saitou’s way of asking him out on a date because he doesn’t seem like the type to do so and to be damn honest, Hijikata only sees him as a _friend._

Not that he minds being friends with Saitou. He really enjoys being in his company.

_What the hell am I thinking…?_

He knows he’s just paranoid all thanks to _Parfait._ It has to be him. Ever since he started talking to him, Hijikata’s been on edge with talking to people in general. He’s become more conscious of his words and actions. He’s always been the type to over analyze situations (according to his brother and friends, that is) and now he thinks that that amount of over analyzing had probably doubled since he started talking to _Parfait_.

Long story short, _Parfait_ has fucked up Hijikata’s state of mind.

**_Me [11:49 AM]: Yeah sure. I’ll meet you there._ **

Hijikata decides he’ll open _Parfait’s_ text messages later today.

Maybe tomorrow.

~ ~ ~

“I really wish they had mayonnaise here…” Hijikata states as he picks up his chopsticks and stirs at his ramen. He had asked the waitress if they had a bottle of mayonnaise that they could leave at the table and she responded with a confused look on her face and said ‘I… don’t think so’ and turned away. Hijikata frowned at her response.

“Mhm,” Saitou responds with a short nod.

Hijikata and Saitou are sitting in a booth located right beside the restaurant’s window which provided them with copious amount of sunlight while eating their lunch. They were lucky they were able to get a table since it is lunch hour which means hungry university students are on the hunt for a place to eat with cheap, delicious food and this restaurant is definitely a hot spot for them. Even without the coupon, Hijikata thinks the food here is reasonably priced; however, it always helps to save money whenever possible.

No words were shared between them for about a minute as the two began to eat their food. As a matter of fact, the only sound that can be heard is the sound of their slurping as they ate their ramen and someone’s obnoxious laughter coming from what seems to be two tables away. Hijikata couldn’t help but notice Saitou’s red eyes locked onto someone sitting from the same table where that laughter is coming from and turns his around, spotting a familiar face.

_What’s this…?_

“Hey, Saitou.”

His friend blinks before swallowing and turns his face to meet Hijikata. Hijikata stares at his face for a second longer than necessary just to take in his friend’s facial features since he isn’t wearing his black surgical mask (they are _eating_ after all) which is also a rare sight to see, but he also has to take note of the fact that Saitou doesn’t do well with people staring at him so Hijikata has to avert his eyes quickly from his face before returning back to his eyes.

“Yes?” Saitou asks in a quiet voice.

“Do you see someone you know?”

“Um…” He flicks his eyes to the side again and shifts his gaze back to his bowl of ramen. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Is it one of those guys over there?” Hijikata points at the noisiest table which sat four guys: Two of which had pretty funky hair colours (one with a deep purple colour, and another with a bright shade of orange tied up in a long braid), one with unruly brown hair and one with black hair tied up in a sleek ponytail.

Saitou nods slowly with his eyes still glued down onto his bowl. There’s a slight flush on his cheeks as he begins to stir his noodles around.

“The one with the ponytail. His name is Katsura. In fact, I’m actually working on a group project with him and two other people.” The red-head halts his stirring and lowers his voice. “But the thing is… I only talk to him in class and I really wish that wasn’t the case.”

Hijikata is quite shocked at how open his friend is being to him right now. Usually when they eat out together, they talk about school work or TV shows that aired the night before. This is the first time they’ve talked about their personal lives and Hijikata can honestly say this is a nice change in their dynamic. If anything, he believes that they leveled up in their friendship which is always a good sign.

“I know who he is.”

Saitou suddenly looks up from his bowl.

“Y-You do?”

“Well… To be honest, I just ‘met’ him last night at Kondo’s apartment. He knocked at our door and basically told us to shut up because we were being too loud since he lives right below Kondo,” Hijikata replies.

“Oh… I see…”

“So, you’ve _never_ actually talked to him outside of class before?”

He shakes his head.

“Have you _tried_ talking to him outside of class?”

Saitou bites his lip before shaking his head slowly.

“Ahh… See, maybe _that’s_ why you haven’t been making any progress.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to try… It’s more like… I _can’t.”_

Hijikata takes a sip from his cup of water and frowns at him.

“You’re scared, huh?”

“It’s so _frustrating_.” The red-head admits as he glances over to Katsura and lets out a sigh. “I don’t know what he thinks about me and I guess that’s what scares me the most… It’s stupid, I know…”

Hijikata follows his friend’s eyes until they land on the male with the ponytail sitting not too far from them. He watches Katsura as he wipes his mouth with a napkin in the most polite way possible and the way he smiles after his friend with the voluminous brown hair playfully slaps him on the back after telling a joke.

“He doesn’t seem like a bad guy so you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.” Hijikata looks at Saitou who has a deeper flush on his cheeks and remains quiet.

“What I’m trying to say is, if you want something so badly, you’re going to have to act yourself. This might make me sound like a hypocrite since I tend to keep to myself most of the time, but if you really want to get to know Katsura better, I suggest walking up to him and _talking_ to him. Now, I’m not telling you to walk up to him right now and introduce yourself in front of him and his friends because the look on your face tells me you’re about to throw up.

But listen, Saitou. It may be scary at first since making new friends is a terrifying concept – _I get that._ If anything, talk to him _in class_ at first and then gradually converse with him outside of class. You could even just say hello to him if you see him walking down the hallway, but at least you’ll be making _progress_. And I guess it helps that you’re already in a group with him so it’ll make things easier for you to talk to him in class. So you’re actually quite lucky.”

“Oh! Saitou! I didn’t see you there!”

Both Hijikata and Saitou jump at the sound of his voice. They turn their heads and see Katsura heading towards their table and greeting them with a friendly smile. Hijikata can sense Saitou’s nerves going on edge and he could do nothing but whisper ‘Calm down, calm down’ to him as the male with the ponytail stepped closer to their table.

“Ah, I think this is the first time I’ve seen you without your mask on. But I guess that makes sense how you’re not wearing it here since you’re eating lunch.” Katsura says with a bit hint of laughter in his voice as he stands right beside their table. His olive eyes shift towards Hijikata’s face and raises an eyebrow. “I don’t believe we’ve met before. My name’s Katsura Kotarou. You must be Saitou’s good friend…?”

Hijikata looks down at the hand extended towards him and shakes his hands.

“Hijikata Toushirou. Nice to meet you,” He responds. “I actually saw you last night.”

“Oh? Did you? I can’t remember…”

“Does knocking at your neighbour’s door at midnight ring a bell…?”

 “ _Oh! You_ were the one that opened the door? But you look so different… Did you shave?”

Hijikata snorts.

“No, that was my friend Kondo. He’s the one who actually lives above you – your actual neighbour. I just saw you from his bedroom.”

“That’s so funny! It’s such a small world, _ne_?”

“Mhm. But I also want to apologize on my friends’ behalf for our behaviour last night. We didn’t mean to make such a big commotion. We were honestly just studying for our test today…”

“Apology accepted. Well, from me at least. I’m not too sure about the rest of our neighbours, though.” He laughs. “But I completely understand. Trust me. I’ve got friends of my own who can be just as loud as you guys. If anything, I feel like I should be the one apologizing here since one of my friends back there is being such a loud mouth and is probably annoying everyone with his laughter.”  Katsura adds with a smile in his face and then turns his head back to face Saitou. “How’s your part coming along for the project? Well, I assume?”

“Yeah,” Saitou says as he nods his head shyly. He isn’t really keeping much eye contact with him since his eyes have decided to stay glued to his bowl of ramen.

“That’s great! I was actually wondering if you want to head over to the library sometime this week. I’m having some trouble finding sources for my section and was wondering if you can help me out? That is, only if you’re free. If you’re busy, you don’t have to come with me. That’s totally fine. I was going to ask you last week but you bolted right out of class...”

Hijikata has to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing out loud because that _is_ something Saitou would do.

It takes a couple of seconds before the red head responds.

“I can help you.”

“Really? Awesome!” Katsura exclaims with relief in his voice. “Why don’t I give you my cellphone number so I can text you the details? Is that fine?”

Saitou nods almost immediately and pushes his cellphone across the table towards Katsura.

_Well, this is going according to plan._

Hijikata likes to think Saitou is beaming with joy behind that stoic face of his and underneath that puffball of orange hair.

“Two-seven-nine…” Mr. Ponytail mumbles as his thumbs tap along the screen of Saitou’s keyboard. “And… Save! Just text me back so I can save you as a contact as well.” Katsura adds as he hands the cellphone back to him and takes his own device out of his pocket.

Saitou stares down with a slight look of astonishment in his eyes as he begins to type a message on his phone.

_Ding._

“Got it!” Katsura gives him a thumbs up with his free hand. “So I’ll talk to you later. I’m going to have to leave you. I was actually on my way to the washroom before I saw you guys so… If you would excuse me...”

He pats Saitou’s shoulder and waves goodbye before turning his heel and walks away.

Hijikata thinks _he_ should give Saitou a pat on the back for not bolting out of his seat during this entire conversation.

~ ~ ~

**_die hijikata [7:12 PM]: that test was a fucking breeze_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:12 PM]: …r u lying sougo? bc I cant tell over skype._ **

**_die hijikata [7:12 PM]: what did u think about the test then?_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:13 PM]: i may have left the last two short answer questions blank……_ **

**_die hijikata [7:13 PM]:   u bombed it didnt u?_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:13 PM]: wHAT ABOUT YOU??_ **

**_die hijikata [7:13 PM]: i told u it was a breeze_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:14 PM]: ugh_ **

_{Mayora13 is online}_

**_vanilla gorilla [7:14 PM]: oi! Toshi’s here!!!_ **

**_die hijikata [7:14 PM]: why r u late bitch?_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:14 PM]: Fuck you Sougo._ **

**_die hijikata [7:14 PM]: read my skype name_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:14 PM]: …_ **

**_die hijikata [7:14 PM]: yeah… i thought so_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:15 PM]: how’d u find the test toshi? i bet u did better than the both of us_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:15 PM]: It was alright. I blanked out for some of the multiple choice questions, though._ **

**_die hijikata [7:15 PM]: at least u didnt leave the short answer questions blank hAHAHAHAHAH_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:15 PM]: OMG SOUGO!_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:15 PM]: I’m sure you can still pass…_ **

**_die hijikata [7:16 PM]: ummm i hate to break it to u guys but the short answer questions were worth more than half of the test so…… #ripkondosan2k16_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:16 PM]: UGHHHH_ **

**_die hijikata [7:16 PM]: LMAOOO_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:16 PM]: Don’t worry about it, Kondo-san. You still have the midterm and the final exam to bring up your mark. You still have some time._ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:16 PM]: im gonna drop out guys. first otae-san gets a boyfriend and now i fail this test…….. ughhhhh_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:16 PM]: i saw her talking to that silver haired guy again today_ **

**_die hijikata [7:16 PM]: #RIP_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:17 PM]: You do realize that you’re not helping anyone, right?_ **

**_die hijikata [7:17 PM]: wtf who said i had to help anyone??_ **

**_die hijikata [7:17 PM]: brb im gonna get something to eat_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:17 PM]: ok_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:18 PM]: Oh yeah, I met your neighbour today._ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:18 PM]: neighbour…?_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:18 PM]: Katsura._ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:18 PM]: ohhh the one from last night?_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:18 PM]: Yes._ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:18 PM]: where’d u see him?_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:19 PM]: I ate lunch with my friend Saitou at that ramen place beside the Engineering Building and I spotted him sitting at one of the tables. He’s really friendly._ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:19 PM]: is saitou that quiet friend of yours? the one with the afro and the black surgical mask thing??_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:19 PM]: That would be him._ **

**_die hijikata [7:20 PM]: omg u went on a date with saitou?? r u cHEATING ON PARFAIT???_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:20 PM]: NO I DIDN’T GO ON A DATE WITH HIM! I JUST WENT OUT TO EAT LUNCH AS FRIENDS DAMMIT!_ **

**_die HOMOkata: [7:20 PM]: whatever u say~_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:20 PM]: DID YOU JUST CHANGE YOUR SKYPE NAME?!_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:21 PM]: idk can u read?_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:21 PM]: LOL SOUGO_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:21 PM]: I have the strong urge to leave this group chat._ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:21 PM]: lol nobody asked but ok_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:22 PM]: ALL JOKES ASIDE_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:22 PM]: did u end up adding Parfait’s skype?_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:22 PM]: I was just about to…_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:22 PM]: whats his skype name again?_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:22 PM]: Why do you want to know?_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:23 PM]: wow attitude much? Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed…._ **

**_Mayora13 [7:23 PM]: WE SLEPT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:23 PM]: LOL TRU_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:23 PM]: AHAHAHAH_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:23 PM]: But if you must know… It’s ‘jackoffalltrades’._ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:24 PM]: jackOFFalltrades??? as in “to jack off”? LMAO THAT’S CLEVER_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:24 PM]: I guess…_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:24 PM]: wtf why does that sound so fckn familiar… one sex_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:24 PM]: **sex_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:24 PM]: FUCK_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:25 PM]: **ONE SEC_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:25 PM]: Now you fix your spelling errors?_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:25 PM]: fuck u_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:27 PM]: YEP I WAS RIGHT_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:27 PM]: JACKOFFALLTRADES FOLLOWS ME ON TUMBLR_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:27 PM]: LOL SRSLY?_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:27 PM]: ya_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:27 PM]: i guess u can say were a step closer to figuring out who ur mystery lover is_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:28 PM]: ur welcome_ **

**_vanilla gorilla [7:28 PM]: ay nice one sougo_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:28 PM]: Thanks… I’m gonna head to bed early._ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:28 PM]: BULLSHIT_ **

**_die HOMOkata [7:28 PM]: UR GONNA STALK HIS BLOG ARENT U?_ **

_{Mayora13 is offline}_

**_vanilla gorilla [7:29 PM]: LMAO_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just thought I'd clarify something: the 4 people sitting at the table in the ramen restaurant is Takasugi, Kamui, Sakamoto, and Katsura.
> 
> and I just wanna give a special shout out to "aziciel" and [Selyann](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Selyann/pseuds/Selyann) for giving me suggestions for Gintoki's Skype name. THANKS AGAIN!!
> 
> oh and sorry there weren't any texts from "Parfait". Blame Hijikata for not opening his messages. (I tried to make up for it by writing out a skype group chat between the shinsengumi boys lol)


	5. Be careful who you send your messages to (especially if you're chatting with more than one person at the same time)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update  
> i was having some real trouble writing out this chapter  
> idek why lol
> 
> EDIT:  
> ((this is unbeta'd bc im a piece of shit lmao))

Hijikata _did_ end up stalking his blog.

And he _did_ end up chatting with _Parfait_ on Skype.

But not until after he read the text messages he received from _Parfait_ last night – the ones that he decided to brush off this afternoon in order to hang out with Saitou - , and not until after talking to the Sadist and the Gorilla.

Hijikata picked his phone off of his desk and tapped onto  _Parfait's_ name, opening the text messages that he left unread for the past two days.

**_Parfait [8:21 PM]: u better not be lying about that s_** **_kype name of urs_ **

**_Parfait [8:21 PM]: but then again, who else would have such a cringey skype name like THAT… (btw I added u)_ **

Hijikata wasn’t even surprised to receive a Skype request notification from someone named _jackoffalltrades_ and a short message saying ‘ _honestly change ur skype name. mayo is fucking gross’._

Because seriously.

Who else could that be?

After a couple minutes of hesitating and moving the cursor back and forth between the words _Accept_ and _Decline,_ Hijikata quickly clicked on _Accept,_ biting his bottom lip in the process, and simply stared at his laptop screen for about a minute, waiting for _something_ to happen. At that time, _jackoffalltrades_ seemed to be _Away_ (a small, yellow circle indicating this) and Hijikata can’t help but feel relieved because he probably would’ve felt overwhelmed if he were to start messaging him right after he just accepted his friend request.

In the meantime, Hijikata informed his two friends about _Parfait’s_ Skype name, which then led to _Sougo_ informing _him_ about the fact that _Parfait_ is one of Sougo’s Tumblr followers (his _‘Biggest Fan’_ apparently), which then led to Hijikata typing ‘jackoffalltrades.tumblr.com’ into his search bar after bidding his friends farewell on Skype.

Sougo quickly caught on to this little act of his of course, but Hijikata thought it’d be best if he changed his status to _Away_ anyway because he didn’t want anyone bothering him while he was in the process of investigating. Besides, would it really kill him to stalk _Parfait’s_ blog? After all, Hijikata can’t help but be curious as to what this _Parfait_ fellow is like.

So he hit the _Enter_ key and watched his screen transform into a mess of GIFs (both SFW and NSFW alike), random screenshots from animes he’s seen ( _Dragonball Z, Naruto,_ and _Bleach)_ and some that he’s never seen before ( _Is that… hentai? But there’s two guys… huh…_ ), pictures of sweets ( _mainly parfaits of course_ ) with Instagram-like filters that Hijikata only noticed because of Saitou’s interest in the world of filtered, square images. Scrolling further down his blog, Hijikata came across a couple memes here and there and a couple short funny videos, but the majority of _Parfait’s_ blog seemed to be a mix of _sweet_ and _sexy…_?

_Eh… well…_

Another thing he noticed was that _Parfait_ didn’t seem to have a short description of himself anywhere on his blog. And Hijikata clicked _everywhere_. Unlike Sougo’s blog, there’s no _About Me_ page nor is there a small text box located on his blog’s homepage. The only words found on his blog are what Hijikata assumes to be his blog title that says “ _Sugar Daddy_ ” and he doesn’t know whether he should vomit, laugh, or _both_.

It _does_ however describe his blog fairly well, now that he thinks about it…

Just when he was about to exit out of his blog and shut off his laptop for the night, he hears a familiar _beep_ and lowers his gaze to the notification popping up at the bottom right-hand corner of his screen.

**_jackoffalltrades [7:49 PM]: psst, r u online >.>_ **

Hijikata has two options here: ignore him and fall asleep, or talk to him _until_ he falls asleep. Honestly, after looking through his blog, Hijikata’s not sure if he _can_ fall asleep right now. He’s one step closer to figuring out who this bastard is and he knows that that’s going to keep him up all night. But if he changes his status to _Online,_ then his friends will start bombarding him with messages…

_Ugh, for fuck’s sake._

After further weighing out the pros and cons of each option, Hijikata chose to chat with _Parfait._ He won’t change his status however (just in case Sougo and Kondo actually do end up spamming him with messages) and makes a silent promise to himself that he won’t stay online for long.

Thirty minutes _max_.

After all… What _could_ they even talk about?

 _Okay…_   _Here goes nothing._

 **_Mayora13_ ** **[7:51 PM]: Yeah. I’m just trying to avoid talking to my friends.**

**_jackoffalltrades [7:51 PM]: LOL_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:51 PM]: why?_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:51 PM]: did u guys fight or something?? >.>_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:52 PM]: No. I just don’t feel like talking to them tonight._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:52 PM]: but ur talking to me….._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:52 PM]: tbh im flattered_ **

Hijikata rolls his eyes.

**_Mayora13 [7:52 PM]:Yeah, whatever._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:52 PM]: :(_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:53 PM]: r u in a bad mood or smthn??_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:53 PM]: u can let it all out_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:53 PM]: im here_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:53 PM]: im a really good listener_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:53 PM]: er i mean in this case ‘reader’…. U kno what i mean_ **

It’s not like he’s in a bad mood per say… And is it really a good idea to spill out your thoughts to a stranger? Especially if your thoughts just so happened to be about _said_ stranger? Maybe it’ll be better if he just pulls out a notebook and pen and write about everything that has happened since the last week between him and _Parfait_. Or you know… he can talk to his brother about it…?

_Who am I kidding._

They both find it awkward discussing about relationships and anything of the like.

Hijikata heaves out a sigh and quickly taps his fingers along his keyboard.

**_Mayora13 [7:53 PM]: I’d rather not talk about it._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:54 PM]: :/_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:54 PM]: fine_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:54 PM]: fyi i can feel ur bad vibes from here and its making me sick_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:54 PM]: Sorry…?_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:55 PM]: LOL u didn’t need to apologize_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:55 PM]: but srsly_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:55 PM]: ur vibes r bringing me down :(_ **

**_Mayora13: I don’t know what you want me to do._ **

He really doesn’t know. It’s not like he can change his mood so easily considering the type of person he is. Hijikata could easily end this conversation with him as well and call it a night. Besides, he doesn’t need anyone to tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. He doesn’t even know who the fuck this guy is anyway.

**_jackoffalltrades [7:56 PM]: talk to me asshole_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:56 PM]: I am…_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:56 PM]: -_-_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:56 PM]: …_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:57 PM]: actually I have a question_ **

_What._

Now _that_ threw Hijikata off. All of a sudden, he feels his heart beating faster than usual as he rereads his message and with that, a million thoughts flood into his mind.

_What could he possibly ask me about…?_

Could it be that he figured out who he is? No no _no_ , maybe he’s just going to ask about a post on Sougo’s blog or something. He’s been doing that since they first started texting so that _should_ be his question, right? _But_ … the latter could happen and Hijikata doesn’t think he can handle it right now. To be honest, he’s not sure how he’ll react if _Parfait_ does end up sending him a message that says “ _Are you Hijikata Toushirou?_ ”.

Because seriously, he thinks he might faint.

He holds his breath and bites his lower lip as his shaky fingers hover over his keyboard.

**_Mayora13 [7:57 PM]: Okay._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:57 PM]: whos on ur icon??? Is it u? *o*_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:57 PM]: pls…… tell me its u….. omg_ **

Hijikata blinks at his screen.

_Oh._

Or he could ask _that._

_Oh, shit. Fuck._

Hijikata’s gaze shifts up to his icon and grits his teeth at the sight.

“ _Sougo,_ ” Hijikata hissed, saying his name as if it was some sort of curse word.

He can’t believe he forgot about it. His current Skype icon is a picture of _himself_. Now, it’s not like you can see his face or anything – _Thank fucking God_ – but what _is_ in frame is his jawline all the way down to the bottom of his torso. What’s worse is that in the picture, Hijikata is wearing his pajamas with mayonnaise bottles printed all over (Sougo thinks it’s the most hideous shirt to have ever exist but it was a Christmas present from his older brother and one of his favourite pajama shirts so he should just _fuck off for once_ ) and if you look closely, you can see a black skipping rope wrapped tightly around his midline, binding his arms securely by his sides.

To most people – most people meaning absolutely _everyone_ – this image appears to be very kinky whether it is taken in or out of context. Considering the fact that it was Okita _fucking_ Sougo who tied him up while Hijikata had passed out at Kondo’s apartment that one time after having a couple too many drinks on a Friday night, the damn Sadist apparently had the most _brilliant idea_ to tie Hijikata’s arms and legs using a skipping rope he found in Kondo’s closet ( _Why does Kondo have a skipping rope in the first place? I don’t fucking know either.)_ and to take a picture of him on his cellphone and send it to _everyone_ in his Snapchat contacts. Hijikata woke up the following morning on the couch with a pounding headache and his arms tied painfully by his sides with a very tough piece of rope. After breaking free from his restraints, Hijikata ran up to Sougo – who was sleeping peacefully on the other couch – and wrapped the rope around his neck hard enough for him to wake up. Hijikata didn’t strangle the younger boy to death, _oh no_ , but he _really_ wanted to at the time. If it wasn’t for Kondo tackling Hijikata down onto the floor, things probably _would’ve_ gotten out of hand.

According to Sougo, the reason why he tied Hijikata in the first place was because he wanted to practice new bondage techniques he found online. When the mayo addict asked him _why he chose him in the first place_ , the other male simply responded with “ _Because when you passed out, you literally were dead. So I thought that you wouldn’t be able to feel anything if I tied a rope around you and I was right. You didn’t move at all which meant no resistance, and therefore smooth sailings for me. Also I wanted to see how fast I could tie some knots while drunk and it turns out I can do them pretty damn well while intoxicated. Last night was fun, Hijikata-san. We should do it again.”_

There were obviously some lies mixed in there, but Hijikata wasn’t in the mood to argue with him. His head was pounding and he needed to piss so he kept his mouth shut and headed towards the bathroom.

Unfortunately, Hijikata hadn’t found out about the Snapchat picture until later that day when his phone was fully charged.

Now as to why his Skype icon is _that_ picture in particular…

Long story short, Hijikata lost a bet between Sougo and him and was forced to change his icon to _any_ picture he wanted.

And being the kind of person he is, he just had to choose the picture of Hijikata tied up on the couch. _He just had to._ Thankfully, Sougo agreed to not includes his face into the icon because other than him and Kondo, Tamegoro and Saitou are in his contact list and he didn’t want them to think he was into _BDSM_ – and he really isn’t, _thank you very much._ His afro friend never once did ask him about his icon ( _bless his fucking soul_ ) but his brother flat out shot out the question once while they were eating dinner together on a school night.

It was awkward to explain the whole background story about his Skype icon, but his brother was understanding of it all since he’s been hearing horror stories about Sougo his entire life. Although the damn boy never acts like his true _sadistic_ self whenever Tamegoro’s around the apartment, he trusts Hijikata enough to know that Sougo enjoys teasing and inflicting pain onto others.

After all, the “ _S”_ in _Sougo_ stands for _Sadistic-Son-of-a-Bitch._

**_Mayora13 [7:58 PM]: Yeah, that’s me. But it’s not meant to be dirty or anything._ **

**_jackoffalltrades[7:58 PM]: lol ur bullshitting me arenT u_ **

**_Mayora13 [7:59 PM]: I’m not._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:59 PM]: UR SUCH A LIAR STFU_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:59 PM]: WHY ELSE COULD U HAVE A PIC OF URSELF LIKE T H A T omg_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:59 PM]: WHO TIED U UP IN THE FIRST PLACE????_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:59 PM]: R U NOT SINGLE??_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [7:59 PM]: BC I REALLY HOPE UR SINGLE_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:00 PM]: I’m single._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:00 PM]: SO WHO THE FUCK TIED U UP LIKE THAT? BC THAT’S SOME PRETTY IMPRESSIVE BONDAGE TECHNIQUES THERE IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF_ **

If he tells him that it was a friend who tied him up with a skipping rope in his sleep, that’ll only lead to more misleading assumptions and Hijikata does _not_ want to go there. Especially if the assumption is that Hijikata allowed Sougo to tie him up and perform _dirty_ things to him…

Hijikata gags.

_Nope, no. Let’s not think about that._

**_Mayora13 [8:02 PM]: Can we just move onto another subject? Talk about something else…_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:02 PM]: NO_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:02 PM]: NOT UNTIL U SEND ME THE FULL PIC_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:02 PM]: I NEED TO SEE THE ENTIRE PIC I CAN SEE UR FUCKING COLLARBONES!!! COLLARBONES ARE SO HOT F U C K_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:02 PM]: There’s no fucking way I’m going to send that to you._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:02 PM]: WHY NOT?? :(_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:03 PM]: You’re such a sick pervert. First of all, I don’t even know you. It’s not fair for me to send you a picture of myself if I haven’t even seen a glimpse of how you look like._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:03 PM]: UR A PERV TOO ASSHOLE_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:03 PM]: NEWSFLASH: U RUN A FUCKING PORN BLOG_ **

_I DON’T RUN A PORN BLOG. THAT’S NOT ME._ Hijikata wanted to yell this at his computer screen. It’s frustrating to think that he still hasn’t realized that _sleepmask_ isn’t run by _him_. But then again, it’s also his fault for not flat out informing him about the truth in the first place.

**_jackoffalltrades [8:03 PM]: AND ITS NOT LIKE IM ASKING U FOR NUDES OR ANYTHING_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:04 PM]: I’m over this. I’m done talking with you._ **

His cursor was hovering over the _Exit_ key before he noticed _Parfait_ (now known as _jackoffalltrades_ ) beginning to type shortly after he sent the message.

**_jackoffalltrades [8:04 PM]: shit ok i fucked up_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:04 PM]: dont leave yet_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:04 PM]: i was joking, ok? im sorry. i didnt mean to make u angry or anything…_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:04 PM]: u don’t have to send me the picture_ **

_He’s… apologizing…?_

He stares at his laptop screen and waits for him to continue, meanwhile he bites onto his bottom lip as he feels his cheeks start to burn and his hands start to clam up.

**_jackoffalltrades [8:05 PM]: im such a douchebag…… why did i say that to him?? i just ruined my chance to ask him out OTL_ **

_Huh? ‘Why did I say that to_ him _?_

Hijikata rereads the message and cocks an eyebrow.

It seems as though…

**_Mayora13 [8:05 PM]: Um…_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:05 PM]: OHHHHH FUCKKKKK_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:05 PM]: FUCK FUCK WAIT_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:05 PM]: AOWIENFAOINGO[AGN_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:05 PM]: AHHHHHH_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:05 PM]: NOOO NONONONO_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:05 PM]: NO[FDN[ong[aoirng AHhhhHhH_ **

_What the fuck does all of_ that _mean?!_

**_Mayora13 [8:06 PM]: What the fuck is going on…?_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:06 PM]: DID U READ THAT_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:06 PM]: PLS TELL ME U DIDN’T_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:06 PM]: Of course I read it, dumbass. You told me not to leave._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:06 PM]: FUUUUUUUCCCCKKK_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:07 PM]: Do you mind informing me on what the hell is going on?_ **

If his intuition serves him right, it seems as though _Parfait_ is chatting with someone else at the same time he’s talking to Hijikata and he may have just accidentally sent a message to the wrong person.

**_jackoffalltrades [8:08 PM]: I ACCIDENTALLY SENT U A FUCKING MESSAGE INSTEAD OF MY GROUP CHAT WITH MY FRIENDS *o*_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:08 PM]: WHYY_ **

_Hit the nail right on the head._

**_Mayora13 [8:08 PM]: Ah, I see…_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:08 PM]: fuck everything. fuck my life. fuck me >.<_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:08 PM]: You’re fine._ **

And then there was no reply.

That is until two minutes later.

**_jackoffalltrades [8:10 PM]: thats ur reaction…?_ **

He blinks.

**_Mayora13 [8:10 PM]: What?_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:10 PM]: I thought u read the mssg?_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:10 PM]: I did…_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:11 PM]: no… u didnt_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:11 PM]: What’s going on with you, seriously…_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:11 PM]: UR NOT SUPPOSED TO RESPOND LIKE THAT_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:11 PM]: What the hell do you mean?_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:11 PM]: U CANT JUST SAY “ah ok” AFTER HAVING READ MY MSSG_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:11 PM]: R U INSANE?!?!?!_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:12 PM]: I’d have to disagree with you on that last part._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:12 PM]: DID U OR DID U NOT GET THE PART WHERE I SAID “I ruined my chance to ask him out”_ **

After scrolling back up to the message and rereading it, Hijikata simply stays still as his eyes wander over the words ‘ _ask him out_ ’.

**_Mayora13 [8:12 PM]: I reread it._ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:13 PM]: OK SO WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE NOW RIGHT_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:13 PM]: U FIGURED ME OUT_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:13 PM]: What are you talking about? I still don’t know who you are._ **

What’s this nonsense about figuring him out? Hijikata has no fucking clue who he is. He has no idea how he looks like, how he sounds like, what his interests are other than sex, sweets, and anime, whether or not he has any siblings or pets, who these friends are that he keeps talking about, how he prefers his eggs to be cooked, which schools he goes to, what music he listens to, if he takes a shower in the morning or at night, _etc ._ Isn’t it only fair for someone to call someone else a _friend_ if they know these things about them? A friend is someone who has common interests as you, and someone you can find comfort in. A boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, is someone you can trust with your mind, body, and spirit, someone you can love whole heartedly through the ups and downs of life, _someone that you’ve figured out._

Either way, Hijikata can’t call _Parfait_ either of these titles because he simply _hasn’t_ figured him out.

**_jackoffalltrades [8:13 PM]: we can change that_ **

**_Mayora13 [8:14 PM]: What…?_ **

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

The sound of his heart’s beating echoed in Hijikata’s ears as his forehead began to glisten with sweat. He’s nervous. He’s confused. He’s _curious_. What does he mean by ‘ _we can change that_ ’…?

Time slows down and Hijikata holds his breath as he reads the following messages:

**_jackoffalltrades [8:14 PM]: i want to see u_ **

**_jackoffalltrades [8:14 PM]: in person_ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout out to [eli](http://eliinthesky.tumblr.com/) for giving me the idea of hijikata's skype icon lol  
> ily ;)
> 
> EDIT:  
> jackoffalltrades is a legit NSFW tumblr (like with irl pics and gifs) sooooooo be careful lmao

**Author's Note:**

> speaking of tumblr......  
> y'all can follow me [here](http://www.saitouzzz.tumblr.com). i post anime (mainly gintama bc u already kno) and memes. so, animemes.


End file.
